Fear

I always have this fear , 

that one day you are going to

discover that I am not 
as great , as beautiful , 
as awesome , as kind , 

as you once thought I was .


and then , you will leave me 

like other people just did . 
I will burst in tears like I used to , 
and everything that we've been through , 
will be a waste . 


you're almost like the one for me , almost .
because you make me feel special , 
I feel different , so different , 
when I'm with you ,
but you just got me so confused .

Aku Lupa , Jadi Aku Tipu .

hii. i know the title sounds mean and dumb but what the heck, here goes my stupid story.

okay em bulan kena masuk surau tak boleh pergi kantin sebab puasa lah kan. aku pakai baju pbsm harini, jadi aku memang tak pakai tudung lah kan. aku malas nak jumpa ustazah jadi aku pergi tunggu dekat dalam toilet. aku study 25 minit dalam toilet sebab aku tak study satu haprak pun lagi, dah lah science kan. selalu nya pukul 9 10 jadi aku masuk kelas 9 05 lah kan. aku tak tahu pulak exam start pukul  9 jadi aku lambat masuk lah kan. classmate aku kata cikgu dah jadi singa tadi, jerit jerit marah marah sebab aku masuk lambat. bila aku masuk aku nampak cikgu singa aku cakap ;

aku : assalammualaikum cikgu :)
cikgu : kamu pergi mana ? asal lambat ? *muka garang suara singa*
aku : saya pergi toilet, cikgu.
cikgu : yang awak bawak kertas tu apa ?
aku : tadi saya pergi surau, saya bawak lah sekali pergi toilet.
cikgu : awak pergi surau ? awak pergi surau tak pakai tudung ke ?
aku : tak :)
cikgu : awak gastrik ke ? cirit birit ye ? *lembut lembut*
aku : tak de lah.
cikgu : habis ? 
aku : tak, sakit perut. sahur tadi saya makan sikiiit :D

cepat cepat aku taruk kertas lepas tu carik pen pemadam pensil pembaris aku, tengok tengok dah ada atas meja dah. baik pulak member aku haha lepas tu aku terus duduk start buad paper tu. aku pergi surau ? padahal tak masuk pun. aku sahur makan sikit ? padahal aku makan banyak lepas tu nasi goreng penuh satu pinggan. dah lah kantoi dengan cikgu sebab sebelum tu member aku cakap aku ada gastrik sebab tu pergi toilet lepas tu aku cakap tak haha tak pe lah. thanks shudi cover kan, thanks syazana ambik kan barang tarok atas meja. 

okay, what people will get when they tell a lie in Ramadhan ? 
they will get back about what they just lied.

tak lama tu aku dengan shudi sakit perut. wa cakap sama lu, sakit gila -.- disebabkan aku terlupa bawak 1 barang jea, aku kena tipu banyak benda. terima lah akibat nya ey sabrina ? so people out there, don't lie when it's Ramadhan. or you will regret it so fucking bad :)

That's What He Said

he said don't ever say things that I'm lacking and don't ever underestimate myself because he hates it and these things makes him sad . he said don't eat too much after break fasting and ask me to lose weight for at least 3 kg because he doesn't want me to regret it . he said he likes me , looks ain't important and he said he loves me because of the way we communicate and he said I make him smile whenever he text or talk to me.

well that's what he said .

it's funny because we have never met before .
:)

This Is All Because Of You .

I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling empty inside. I'm tired of drama. I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling stuck. I’m tired of feeling crazy. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of dreaming of a life I will never have. I’m tired of missing things. I’m tired of missing people. I’m tired of remembering. I’m tired of wishing I could start all over again. I’m tired of not being able to just let go. I’m tired of faking it. I’m tired of being different. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of needing help. I’m tired of always wondering when God is finally going to let me be happy. I'm tired of these games. I'm tired of hearing these stupid lies. Most of all, I’m just tired of being tired.

I Want ;

to have a happy family .
to feel great .
to get that fucking straight A's in exams .
to believe in myself .
to have rm 300 per month .
to have a boyfriend who love me for who i am .
to stop cursing .
to be friendly with people .

to be happy .


unfortunately, dream is just a dream .
and i won't get what i want .
because it's just , impossible .

I Had Enough, Darling.

I don't need another problem .

I don't respect him anymore ,
he just lost my respect on him . 
when I think about it more ,
I hate that bitch for each and everyday .
what they did just fucking disgust me .

I don't need another problem .

I don't wanna start another fight ,
between me and my friends . 
plus we're blood related .
you can fly from school ,
you can smoke a cigarette ,
you can do whatever you want .
it's up to you now .

I don't need another problem .

and obviously this time is not a very good time ,
for me having this boyfriend thingy ,
just keep it to yourself or maybe just wait for the right time .
I really do need some space so please.
just find another and all of your problem will be solved .

I don't need another problem .

by the way , happy 15th birthday Shudi (!) thanks for the listening , thanks for making me feel better , thanks for the shouting , thanks for the nagging , thanks for everything , I really appreciate it :)

Now ?

i don't really know what to do . even if i did something , it will getting worst so i think i have to let it be . well from now on , you're just my mama's husband . the 'because of you' song by Kelly Clarkson will stuck in my head , like a replay . i don't know who the hell you are anymore . i don't know who I can trust right now . maybe i will get used to it , just maybe . well i don't know because right now , i hate you . yes , i really hate you . i hate both of you . i hate her , i hate everyone . yes , hate is a strong word so that's why i'm using this fucking word . kill me , let's end this stupid ass feelings in my fucking heart . kill me now ! as yall know , i am more depressed than before , (like obviously -.-) why ? because i'm tired . i'm tired of this stupid drama and what people called it as a life . fuck it , damn seriously . i'm not being a fucking emo . but if killing people is legal , you're the first one i would kill . believe me , that bitch is the second one . so now you want everyone to die lah ?  yes , indeed . before i will do something stu-pid and say more stu-pid stuffs , can someone get me outta here ? 


okay this post is pointless , ignore me .

Hidup .

patut lah , sekarang baru aku paham semua nya .

patut lah mama semacam dulu .
patut lah mama suruh aku belajar betul betul .
patut lah abang aku senang marah marah .
patut lah dia baik gila babi dengan mama .
patut lah mama selalu sakit . 
patut lah aku menyampah tengok muka dia .
patut lah dia terhegeh - hegeh semacam nak tolong .

patut lah , sekarang baru aku paham semua nya .

patut lah aku tengok semua nya pelik jea .
patut lah aku pindah klang .
patut lah aku tak boleh nak keluar , hidup macam orang biasa .
patut lah aku susah nak percaya orang .
patut lah aku tak ada bestfriend .
patut lah aku menyampah dekat manusia ,
yang terhegeh - hegeh (macam dia) .
patut lah aku tak sayang _ _ _ _ macam aku sepatut nya sayang .

patut lah , sekarang baru aku paham semua nya .

tapi ......

aku tak tahu macam mana nak belajar sekarang .
aku tak tahu macam mana nak tenang .
aku tak tahu nak percaya siapa dah .
aku tak tahu macam mana nak buad macam biasa .
aku tak tahu nak cakap dengan siapa sekarang . 
aku tak tahu apa patut aku buad lepas ni .

memang aku tak tahu .

aku nak belajar betul betul .
aku nak kerja bagus bagus .
aku nak keluar dari rumah ni .
aku nak bagi apa yang mama nak .
tapi tu pon kalau boleh .

memang aku nak .

dulu aku tak ada lah rasa depressed macam ni ,
sekarang lagi teruk, bertambah teruk .
baru aku ingat nak rasa ketenangan ,
sikit pon jadi lah , tolong lah , sikit jea .
tapi sekarang aku tahu aku tak akan rasa happy ,
happy gila babi macam sebelum ni .
tapi tak bermakna aku tak akan gelak macam dulu .
aku tak tahu aku boleh hidup lagi ke tak .
tapi benda ni semua jadi ada sebab ,
aku tahu , aku paham , aku redha .

semua orang macam cibai , 

perangai macam pukimak ,

sial lah semua ni .

patut lah , sekarang baru aku paham semua nya .

Dear .

Dear my lovely hot mama ,

i know you love me, i love you too .
thanks for loving me perfectly , even when i'm going loco .
i'm hell sure you won't even read this .
but what the heck , i wanna say i'm sorry for what i have done .
the lies , the sneak out , the attitude and other bad thang i did .
i just don't know how to release my tension in a good way .
the exams , home , school , tuition , friends , teachers and stuffs .
okay i know , my future is my priority so i won't complain after this .
i just love you even sometimes i feel like i was adopted .
i'm sorry i can't give you straight A's in my report thang .
one day , i will know how i love you .
one day , i will know what you said to me is true .
one day , i will regret everything so fucking badly .

Dear girlfriends ,

i know you guys concern about me .
i'd appreciate it like , a lot .
don't worry , i won't be single forever .
i'm still young and even if i'll be dead soon ,
i'm pretty sure Allah s.w.t won't ask me about my love life .
for those who help , listen and stuffs , thanks .
i know you guys love me even yall didn't tell me so hahah .
even sometimes you guys didn't dig me but who cares ?
you guys will make me laugh like so fucking hard .
i know i'm a boring friend , too quiet kan ?
i'm sorry for that too but that's just my way of living .


Dear crushes ,

i'm not the type who was like , gila babi perasan .
i may be blurr but i ain't dumb .
just so you guys know , i'm good at judging people .
so if you guys like me , just forget it .
believe me , just forget this whole shit that you guys gonna start .
i don't give a damn if you wanna be my friend / wanna get to know me more .
but please don't get over the line okay ?
i'm not an arrogant bitch and obviously i'm not playing hard to get.
just find someone else , someone else that ain't like me .

Dear my blog followers ,

for those who really follow all of my stupid posts ,
and for those who just click the follow button ,
thanks for following me , i really appreciate it .
i don't know why , i just wanna thank to you guys , followers .
if you guys still reading this shit , thanks again .

Dear my ex - boyfriends , 

i know you guys like to play games , so do i .
thanks for letting me know that you guys ain't for me ,
thanks for being a shitty boyfriend back then .
i really appreciate it , i loved you but time has changed so tyeahh .
nothing to regret , nothing to change the way it was . 
well there's nothing for me to apologize to you guys about
but i hope you will be happy with your new girlfriend . 


Dear teachers ,

i'm sorry if i like to eat in the class , i'm just so fucking hungry .
and for tuition teachers , i'm sorry if i can't get you A's like other geeks .
i'm not a fucking geniuses and i'm a lil bit slow . nahh , i'm too slow . 
but what the heck , i love you guys even when yall just like to annoy me ,
thanks for teach me about new things and stuffs .
about life and all , especially tuition teachers .
sorry if i have talk bad about you guys ,
my mouth just can't stop talking shits .

Dear people who doesn't have something called , a life ,

thanks for hating me / jealous about me because of nothing ,
giving me this disgust look ,
talks about me whenever you saw me walking around near you ,
and other shit stuffs you guys do ,
thanks for wasting your time on me , i really appreciate it .
sorry if i bug your life , sorry if i bleed your eyes .
if you wanna me dig my own grave and go to hell ,
i guess that won't happen , i don't know about the second one .
but if you want me to die soon , i guess that will happen .

i know most of you guys won't / can't read this ,
but i hope at last you will found this :)
and before i forgot , for other people ,

THANK YOU AND I'M SO SORRY .

Who Said ?

who said we can't judge a book by its fucking cover ?
who said true love and forever exists ?
who said we can have fun when we're a teenager ?
who said life is too short ?
who said everyone have their own beauty ?
who said girls not in love with guys just because of their good looking face ?
who said being fucking emo is wrong ?
who said having a low self - esteem ain't good ?
who said cursing is bad and rude ?
who said i don't care about what people said ?
who said i can have whatever i want ?
who said i have a boring life ?

who the hell can answer all of my questions, now ?