My First A ! :B

as yall know school is back after 2 weeks of holidays, tyeahh just for 2 fucking weeks. well i got my results for Item Berfokus 2, what the heck is that supposed to mean ? tyeahh i don't get it either -.- my results was okay. ain't that high, ain't that low, like always so i'm not that surprised or anything. people always ask me about my results but i don't know whether they really care about me or they wanna know how stupid i am, well maybe the second one. anyway, for the very first time ever, well it's not really my first time but for this year's exam lah, the PMR subjects', i got an A (!) how pathetic am i ? i got my first A on the third exam -.- but what the heck, luckily i didn't fail any paper this time. ohh and i didn't take Mathematics' paper because of my laziness. i was happy about the A thang but not for long lah, i didn't really feel anything after that because if i told my mom about this thang, she won't be happy or even proud of my first A thang. if she doesn't care, why the hell should i care about this thang ? okay i loike to say 'thang', sorry if you feel my sentence is kinda, stupid. well this blog was written by a stupid girl so everything must be stupid lah stupid.

okay i'll cut this crap, byebye.

Negative Thoughts of Mine

i'm not the girl who loves herself. i don't have any confident to talk in English except for Shudi but what the heck ? i don't even like to talk to people, well that's just my way of living. i don't really think people likes me when i'm around them. i'm not a hotstuff or beautiful or cute, whatsoever people comment on my pictures, i don't believe a single thang they said but i'll thank them anyway just because i don't wanna make them think i'm arrogant or something. i'm not the girl who is popular and have many friends. 

i don't like to show off much of my skin and obviously i don't wear fancy clothes like Gaga. i'd like to wear a dress like Hayley but i'm just too embarrassed about my legs and stuffs. i don't have the bikini body like Megan. i like to put up some make up on (f y i, eyeliner and lip gloss only) just because i think it will built up my confidence but sometimes it doesn't really works. my life ain't that great and i'm not that rich. i'd always stare my face at the mirror and keep thinking "sometimes i wish that i was a beauty", not because of other way around. i have lots of zits on my face so maybe that's why hmm. 

my mind don't really trust anyone but my heart do, dammiitt. i'm not the ambitious girl, i don't even have an ambition. i hate making choices, seriously it takes time even when i have to choose my hair shampoo. i'm not waiting for any prince charming to save me from my pathetic life and happily ever after. i don't even believe in happily ever after because life is not a fairytale. 

i'm not the girl most guys wanna be with. in IM i'm crazzaayy but in real life, i'm bo-ring. i'm not loving or caring like some girls so maybe that's why i hate relationships, i gotta be somebody i'm not and that's sucks. i don't know, maybe someone will love me at the end. who will be the unlucky guy ? pfftt. the only thing i "rejected" lots of guys is just because they're too good for me or other way around and that's it, no other reasons but i don't love myself so why should others love me ? i don't really get them.

loonnggg story short, i'm not worth it so you can just walk away. i don't really think this is my negative thoughts, it's just that i don't know what the hell should i put as a title for this crap. well this post is fucking pointless but look on the bright side,
i know myself.

Aku Sendiri Tak Tahu

aku tak rasa lagi aku ni sama macam dulu.

tak lagi senyum bila betul betul nak senyum.

tak lagi gelak bila betul betul nak gelak.

tak lagi nak bersuara apa yang ada dalam fikiran aku.

aku dah lain, dah berubah.

ke baik atau ke buruk ?

orang sekeliling jea lah yang fikir.

aku sendiri tak berapa nak tahu.

Dia jea lah yang Maha Mengetahui.

aku dah tak fikir apa apa yang baik pasal diri aku.

kebanyakannya buruk buruk belaka.

celaka, salah siapa sekarang ni ? mungkin aku sendiri.

kadang kadang aku rasa macam nak akhirkan hidup aku sendiri.

aku sendiri tak berapa nak tahu.

aku tak tahu nak bersuara yang baik pasal diri aku.

dah tak paham apa yang aku rasa.

aku dah tak tahu siapa aku, dah tak berapa nak kenal macam dulu. 

rasa aku dah tak bernyawa,

aku rasa hidup aku dah tak berguna,

macam dah dirogol.

aku bukan tak bersyukur lah babi.

aku cuma tengah runsing dengan diri aku sekarang ni.

sekarang aku dah tak jatuh cinta dengan diri aku sendiri lagi dah

what the fuck ? ayat aku memang tak boleh blah, abaikan jea lahh.

tapi apa sangat yang patut dibanggakan lagi pasal aku ? 

Ambition ?

i hate to choose something out of everything. it's hard and it's complicated. i don't really know what i'm good at. i feel stupid when people asked me what my ambition is. the fact is, i don't really have one. i can't be what i want if i even have one.

a lawyer ?

i'm not good at talking. i have to repeat more than once to make people understand what the heck i have just said. i don't really like to talk, it's tiring. and, i suck at defending people. i can't even defend my own friend. how lame is that ? 

a stewardess ?

since my second cousin works at the airlines thingy and she told me like almost everything, now i know the job is fucking hard. i must have the right height, the right weight, no acne, no scars, friendly with surroundings, have to clean such as toilet and stuffs. too bad i don't have any of them, not even one. i'm not eligible enough to have this kind of job.

a doctor ? 

i had never get an A in science, only B's and C's. laugh all you want but it's damn hard for me, i suck at this too but since i attend tuition class for science, i'm loving it like hell. actually science is fun and interesting, unbelievable. i will try harder next time, i mean for PMR, i guess. 

an accountant ? 

i suck at counting. okay i suck at everything, damn it. i can't use it as my excuse for not choose this thang. but i'm not into that kind of job, doesn't seems fun at all. 

well a dude asked me what subject will i take for next year and i said i don't know because i really don't know. then he said, tak payah belajar lah kalau macam tu. he makes me think about this thang because before this, i thought i will make up my mind after i get the PMR results so now i feel like what the heck ? how can you make up your mind for last minute ? but as soon as i know what i'm good at, i can make up my mind. but i don't know, it's about life i'm talking about here so i have to be err serious. what subject should i choose for next year ? science streams ? accounts ? arts ? or ...... ? okay i forgot the last one haha well i have no idea for now -.-

a housewife ? 

so you guys thought i should be a housewife because i suck at everything right ? oh i thought about this too but clearly i want to make my own money so that i can buy what i want with no boundaries. my mom will laugh if she knows about this because i can't clean and i can't cook, seriously someone will 'mati kelaparan' and that someone is my husband so forget about being a desperate housewife. i love money and i need them $ ka-chaaanggg $ but i don't wanna be a gold digger.

I'll Get Over This Crap .

Aku Menangis Dalam Mimpi ,

aku hanya menangis dalam mimpi , 

di luar aku cuba menutupinya dengan gelak tawa , 

tapi aku cuma mampu menggantikannya dengan senyuman.

senang untuk kau berkata , 

sukar untuk aku terima .

kau pergi dalam mimpi aku ,

begitu juga realitinya .

kau fikir aku tak peduli ,

kau fikir aku tak sedar ,

perlahan - lahan kau pergi ,

pergi tinggalkan aku dalam dunia ini , 

dunia yang sial , seorang diri .

kau kata aku ada hidup aku sendiri , 

babi , kau fikir aku tak perlukan kau, bukan ?

ini bukan untuk menyalahkan kau , 

ini bukan untuk buat kau rasa bersalah ,

ini hanya perasaan sial yang aku ingin luahkan ,

terima kasih kepada kau , 

aku menangis dalam mimpi .

Pertanyaan Aku.

Sial sangat kan hidup ini ?

Sampai aku rasa macam nak gantung diri .

Sial sangat kan hidup ini ?
Sampai aku rasa macam tak boleh nak percaya dekat sesiapa dah.

Sial sangat kan hidup ini ?

Sampai aku tak ada perasaan nak senyum pun .

Sial sangat kan hidup ini ?

Sampai aku tertipu dengan diri sendiri . 

Sial sangat kan hidup ini ?

Sampai aku tak dapat nak bezakan antara kau dengan dia . 

Sial sangat kan hidup ini ?

Memang

Memang gua tengah depressed lagi.
Memang rasa tu tak akan hilang.
Memang gua tak paham kenapa sampai sekarang.
Memang gua perlukan member gua.
Memang member gua je yang boleh buat gua gelak macam orang gila lagi.
Memang sebab tu je lah gua pergi sekolah .
Memang gua tengah confused dengan life gua ni.
Memang gua tak tahu apa - apa lagi.
Memang gua pernah cakap yang gua tak nak ada boyfriend sekarang.
Memang gua tipu diri gua sendiri.
Memang sebenarnya gua sunyi.
Memang gua tak ambil peduli.

Memang gua rasa lu tak akan paham.
Memang semua tak akan paham gua.

Memang lu boleh pergi dari sini sekarang,
sebab lu memang tak akan paham gua.

I'm Too Depressed.

I cna't sotp lensitng to sad sngos.
And I asmlot cry whtiuot a raeosn.
It's usunal for me to feel tihs way.

I tihnk my haert snkis, deep wayy dwon semowehre.
I cna't seem to hvae feleigns aynorme,
I amlsot froogt how to laguh, how to simle.
I tihnk I've jsut lsot my hraet.
I need my feirdns, I ralely do.

Okay, I'm cnofeusd now.
Can smoenoe tlel me waht's gniog on ?
It's been dyas and I dno't konw why,
It's jsut so hrad for me to udernsntad.

Is tihs waht it feels wehn smoenoe who ralely lvoe us,
jsut wlak aawy form our lveis ?

I'm Begging You.

Please don't like me.

Please don't say that stupid words. 
Please shut the hell up.

Please don't be like them.

Please stay away from the truth.

Please let me forget about them.

Please stay here beside me with silence. 
Please don't follow your heart. 

Please understand what the hell I've just said.