I Had Enough, Darling.

I don't need another problem .

I don't respect him anymore ,
he just lost my respect on him . 
when I think about it more ,
I hate that bitch for each and everyday .
what they did just fucking disgust me .

I don't need another problem .

I don't wanna start another fight ,
between me and my friends . 
plus we're blood related .
you can fly from school ,
you can smoke a cigarette ,
you can do whatever you want .
it's up to you now .

I don't need another problem .

and obviously this time is not a very good time ,
for me having this boyfriend thingy ,
just keep it to yourself or maybe just wait for the right time .
I really do need some space so please.
just find another and all of your problem will be solved .

I don't need another problem .

by the way , happy 15th birthday Shudi (!) thanks for the listening , thanks for making me feel better , thanks for the shouting , thanks for the nagging , thanks for everything , I really appreciate it :)

Now ?

i don't really know what to do . even if i did something , it will getting worst so i think i have to let it be . well from now on , you're just my mama's husband . the 'because of you' song by Kelly Clarkson will stuck in my head , like a replay . i don't know who the hell you are anymore . i don't know who I can trust right now . maybe i will get used to it , just maybe . well i don't know because right now , i hate you . yes , i really hate you . i hate both of you . i hate her , i hate everyone . yes , hate is a strong word so that's why i'm using this fucking word . kill me , let's end this stupid ass feelings in my fucking heart . kill me now ! as yall know , i am more depressed than before , (like obviously -.-) why ? because i'm tired . i'm tired of this stupid drama and what people called it as a life . fuck it , damn seriously . i'm not being a fucking emo . but if killing people is legal , you're the first one i would kill . believe me , that bitch is the second one . so now you want everyone to die lah ?  yes , indeed . before i will do something stu-pid and say more stu-pid stuffs , can someone get me outta here ? 


okay this post is pointless , ignore me .

Hidup .

patut lah , sekarang baru aku paham semua nya .

patut lah mama semacam dulu .
patut lah mama suruh aku belajar betul betul .
patut lah abang aku senang marah marah .
patut lah dia baik gila babi dengan mama .
patut lah mama selalu sakit . 
patut lah aku menyampah tengok muka dia .
patut lah dia terhegeh - hegeh semacam nak tolong .

patut lah , sekarang baru aku paham semua nya .

patut lah aku tengok semua nya pelik jea .
patut lah aku pindah klang .
patut lah aku tak boleh nak keluar , hidup macam orang biasa .
patut lah aku susah nak percaya orang .
patut lah aku tak ada bestfriend .
patut lah aku menyampah dekat manusia ,
yang terhegeh - hegeh (macam dia) .
patut lah aku tak sayang _ _ _ _ macam aku sepatut nya sayang .

patut lah , sekarang baru aku paham semua nya .

tapi ......

aku tak tahu macam mana nak belajar sekarang .
aku tak tahu macam mana nak tenang .
aku tak tahu nak percaya siapa dah .
aku tak tahu macam mana nak buad macam biasa .
aku tak tahu nak cakap dengan siapa sekarang . 
aku tak tahu apa patut aku buad lepas ni .

memang aku tak tahu .

aku nak belajar betul betul .
aku nak kerja bagus bagus .
aku nak keluar dari rumah ni .
aku nak bagi apa yang mama nak .
tapi tu pon kalau boleh .

memang aku nak .

dulu aku tak ada lah rasa depressed macam ni ,
sekarang lagi teruk, bertambah teruk .
baru aku ingat nak rasa ketenangan ,
sikit pon jadi lah , tolong lah , sikit jea .
tapi sekarang aku tahu aku tak akan rasa happy ,
happy gila babi macam sebelum ni .
tapi tak bermakna aku tak akan gelak macam dulu .
aku tak tahu aku boleh hidup lagi ke tak .
tapi benda ni semua jadi ada sebab ,
aku tahu , aku paham , aku redha .

semua orang macam cibai , 

perangai macam pukimak ,

sial lah semua ni .

patut lah , sekarang baru aku paham semua nya .

Dear .

Dear my lovely hot mama ,

i know you love me, i love you too .
thanks for loving me perfectly , even when i'm going loco .
i'm hell sure you won't even read this .
but what the heck , i wanna say i'm sorry for what i have done .
the lies , the sneak out , the attitude and other bad thang i did .
i just don't know how to release my tension in a good way .
the exams , home , school , tuition , friends , teachers and stuffs .
okay i know , my future is my priority so i won't complain after this .
i just love you even sometimes i feel like i was adopted .
i'm sorry i can't give you straight A's in my report thang .
one day , i will know how i love you .
one day , i will know what you said to me is true .
one day , i will regret everything so fucking badly .

Dear girlfriends ,

i know you guys concern about me .
i'd appreciate it like , a lot .
don't worry , i won't be single forever .
i'm still young and even if i'll be dead soon ,
i'm pretty sure Allah s.w.t won't ask me about my love life .
for those who help , listen and stuffs , thanks .
i know you guys love me even yall didn't tell me so hahah .
even sometimes you guys didn't dig me but who cares ?
you guys will make me laugh like so fucking hard .
i know i'm a boring friend , too quiet kan ?
i'm sorry for that too but that's just my way of living .


Dear crushes ,

i'm not the type who was like , gila babi perasan .
i may be blurr but i ain't dumb .
just so you guys know , i'm good at judging people .
so if you guys like me , just forget it .
believe me , just forget this whole shit that you guys gonna start .
i don't give a damn if you wanna be my friend / wanna get to know me more .
but please don't get over the line okay ?
i'm not an arrogant bitch and obviously i'm not playing hard to get.
just find someone else , someone else that ain't like me .

Dear my blog followers ,

for those who really follow all of my stupid posts ,
and for those who just click the follow button ,
thanks for following me , i really appreciate it .
i don't know why , i just wanna thank to you guys , followers .
if you guys still reading this shit , thanks again .

Dear my ex - boyfriends , 

i know you guys like to play games , so do i .
thanks for letting me know that you guys ain't for me ,
thanks for being a shitty boyfriend back then .
i really appreciate it , i loved you but time has changed so tyeahh .
nothing to regret , nothing to change the way it was . 
well there's nothing for me to apologize to you guys about
but i hope you will be happy with your new girlfriend . 


Dear teachers ,

i'm sorry if i like to eat in the class , i'm just so fucking hungry .
and for tuition teachers , i'm sorry if i can't get you A's like other geeks .
i'm not a fucking geniuses and i'm a lil bit slow . nahh , i'm too slow . 
but what the heck , i love you guys even when yall just like to annoy me ,
thanks for teach me about new things and stuffs .
about life and all , especially tuition teachers .
sorry if i have talk bad about you guys ,
my mouth just can't stop talking shits .

Dear people who doesn't have something called , a life ,

thanks for hating me / jealous about me because of nothing ,
giving me this disgust look ,
talks about me whenever you saw me walking around near you ,
and other shit stuffs you guys do ,
thanks for wasting your time on me , i really appreciate it .
sorry if i bug your life , sorry if i bleed your eyes .
if you wanna me dig my own grave and go to hell ,
i guess that won't happen , i don't know about the second one .
but if you want me to die soon , i guess that will happen .

i know most of you guys won't / can't read this ,
but i hope at last you will found this :)
and before i forgot , for other people ,

THANK YOU AND I'M SO SORRY .

Who Said ?

who said we can't judge a book by its fucking cover ?
who said true love and forever exists ?
who said we can have fun when we're a teenager ?
who said life is too short ?
who said everyone have their own beauty ?
who said girls not in love with guys just because of their good looking face ?
who said being fucking emo is wrong ?
who said having a low self - esteem ain't good ?
who said cursing is bad and rude ?
who said i don't care about what people said ?
who said i can have whatever i want ?
who said i have a boring life ?

who the hell can answer all of my questions, now ?

My First A ! :B

as yall know school is back after 2 weeks of holidays, tyeahh just for 2 fucking weeks. well i got my results for Item Berfokus 2, what the heck is that supposed to mean ? tyeahh i don't get it either -.- my results was okay. ain't that high, ain't that low, like always so i'm not that surprised or anything. people always ask me about my results but i don't know whether they really care about me or they wanna know how stupid i am, well maybe the second one. anyway, for the very first time ever, well it's not really my first time but for this year's exam lah, the PMR subjects', i got an A (!) how pathetic am i ? i got my first A on the third exam -.- but what the heck, luckily i didn't fail any paper this time. ohh and i didn't take Mathematics' paper because of my laziness. i was happy about the A thang but not for long lah, i didn't really feel anything after that because if i told my mom about this thang, she won't be happy or even proud of my first A thang. if she doesn't care, why the hell should i care about this thang ? okay i loike to say 'thang', sorry if you feel my sentence is kinda, stupid. well this blog was written by a stupid girl so everything must be stupid lah stupid.

okay i'll cut this crap, byebye.

Negative Thoughts of Mine

i'm not the girl who loves herself. i don't have any confident to talk in English except for Shudi but what the heck ? i don't even like to talk to people, well that's just my way of living. i don't really think people likes me when i'm around them. i'm not a hotstuff or beautiful or cute, whatsoever people comment on my pictures, i don't believe a single thang they said but i'll thank them anyway just because i don't wanna make them think i'm arrogant or something. i'm not the girl who is popular and have many friends. 

i don't like to show off much of my skin and obviously i don't wear fancy clothes like Gaga. i'd like to wear a dress like Hayley but i'm just too embarrassed about my legs and stuffs. i don't have the bikini body like Megan. i like to put up some make up on (f y i, eyeliner and lip gloss only) just because i think it will built up my confidence but sometimes it doesn't really works. my life ain't that great and i'm not that rich. i'd always stare my face at the mirror and keep thinking "sometimes i wish that i was a beauty", not because of other way around. i have lots of zits on my face so maybe that's why hmm. 

my mind don't really trust anyone but my heart do, dammiitt. i'm not the ambitious girl, i don't even have an ambition. i hate making choices, seriously it takes time even when i have to choose my hair shampoo. i'm not waiting for any prince charming to save me from my pathetic life and happily ever after. i don't even believe in happily ever after because life is not a fairytale. 

i'm not the girl most guys wanna be with. in IM i'm crazzaayy but in real life, i'm bo-ring. i'm not loving or caring like some girls so maybe that's why i hate relationships, i gotta be somebody i'm not and that's sucks. i don't know, maybe someone will love me at the end. who will be the unlucky guy ? pfftt. the only thing i "rejected" lots of guys is just because they're too good for me or other way around and that's it, no other reasons but i don't love myself so why should others love me ? i don't really get them.

loonnggg story short, i'm not worth it so you can just walk away. i don't really think this is my negative thoughts, it's just that i don't know what the hell should i put as a title for this crap. well this post is fucking pointless but look on the bright side,
i know myself.

Aku Sendiri Tak Tahu

aku tak rasa lagi aku ni sama macam dulu.

tak lagi senyum bila betul betul nak senyum.

tak lagi gelak bila betul betul nak gelak.

tak lagi nak bersuara apa yang ada dalam fikiran aku.

aku dah lain, dah berubah.

ke baik atau ke buruk ?

orang sekeliling jea lah yang fikir.

aku sendiri tak berapa nak tahu.

Dia jea lah yang Maha Mengetahui.

aku dah tak fikir apa apa yang baik pasal diri aku.

kebanyakannya buruk buruk belaka.

celaka, salah siapa sekarang ni ? mungkin aku sendiri.

kadang kadang aku rasa macam nak akhirkan hidup aku sendiri.

aku sendiri tak berapa nak tahu.

aku tak tahu nak bersuara yang baik pasal diri aku.

dah tak paham apa yang aku rasa.

aku dah tak tahu siapa aku, dah tak berapa nak kenal macam dulu. 

rasa aku dah tak bernyawa,

aku rasa hidup aku dah tak berguna,

macam dah dirogol.

aku bukan tak bersyukur lah babi.

aku cuma tengah runsing dengan diri aku sekarang ni.

sekarang aku dah tak jatuh cinta dengan diri aku sendiri lagi dah

what the fuck ? ayat aku memang tak boleh blah, abaikan jea lahh.

tapi apa sangat yang patut dibanggakan lagi pasal aku ? 

Ambition ?

i hate to choose something out of everything. it's hard and it's complicated. i don't really know what i'm good at. i feel stupid when people asked me what my ambition is. the fact is, i don't really have one. i can't be what i want if i even have one.

a lawyer ?

i'm not good at talking. i have to repeat more than once to make people understand what the heck i have just said. i don't really like to talk, it's tiring. and, i suck at defending people. i can't even defend my own friend. how lame is that ? 

a stewardess ?

since my second cousin works at the airlines thingy and she told me like almost everything, now i know the job is fucking hard. i must have the right height, the right weight, no acne, no scars, friendly with surroundings, have to clean such as toilet and stuffs. too bad i don't have any of them, not even one. i'm not eligible enough to have this kind of job.

a doctor ? 

i had never get an A in science, only B's and C's. laugh all you want but it's damn hard for me, i suck at this too but since i attend tuition class for science, i'm loving it like hell. actually science is fun and interesting, unbelievable. i will try harder next time, i mean for PMR, i guess. 

an accountant ? 

i suck at counting. okay i suck at everything, damn it. i can't use it as my excuse for not choose this thang. but i'm not into that kind of job, doesn't seems fun at all. 

well a dude asked me what subject will i take for next year and i said i don't know because i really don't know. then he said, tak payah belajar lah kalau macam tu. he makes me think about this thang because before this, i thought i will make up my mind after i get the PMR results so now i feel like what the heck ? how can you make up your mind for last minute ? but as soon as i know what i'm good at, i can make up my mind. but i don't know, it's about life i'm talking about here so i have to be err serious. what subject should i choose for next year ? science streams ? accounts ? arts ? or ...... ? okay i forgot the last one haha well i have no idea for now -.-

a housewife ? 

so you guys thought i should be a housewife because i suck at everything right ? oh i thought about this too but clearly i want to make my own money so that i can buy what i want with no boundaries. my mom will laugh if she knows about this because i can't clean and i can't cook, seriously someone will 'mati kelaparan' and that someone is my husband so forget about being a desperate housewife. i love money and i need them $ ka-chaaanggg $ but i don't wanna be a gold digger.

I'll Get Over This Crap .